clear spot

thoughts:::money and human worth

thoughts while sitting:::

how to effectively disengage from capitalist thinking.

and I have no clue!?

seriously. point one, and I’ve thought about this more than once, but the awareness of the issue doesn’t seem to make it budge:

has to do with currency, and trading in time/energy for currency, and how that process is equivocal to earning “worth” within the mindset of everything/everyone around me, save…maybe…a whiff of a few people who may or may not have more effectively disengaged(?)

essentially, I’ve been enculturated to the degree that I feel more self-confidence when I work a day for money. the “feeling” is that I have been “productive.” The feeling is real:::it’s been so hammered into my system to believe that productivity and money go hand in hand, and self-worth is produced by said productivity. Here’s the gnarly part though: I will feel a productive sense of self-worth even if what I’ve been doing all day is largely CRAP. Even if I’ve been working on creating a product/business that I do not believe in, that doesn’t benefit people in any substantial way. Even if the business or product is inherently/subtly harmful or unethical. Even then, my psyche feels soothed from the bombardment of some twisted superego message that if I’m not making money, I’m shit.

I logically know that self-worth and money don’t have a lick to do with each other, but the lie goes real deep, has sunk into my bones, and when I try to disengage (by lessening dependence on money, and working less at a “job”), the feelings of worthlessness sickenenly creep out into the rest of my body and slowly fill my brain…like some poison gas…a whole mess of low-self-esteem false identity bs starts to solidify. And it’s a self-fulfilling prophesy, a real sick trick- so that when I work less at some fake job, I get depressed, and feel so “incapable” due to that depression, that I become ineffectual at the daily shit that I want to do that actually matters to me (grow food, acquiring skills at wild edible plant identification, learning to skin roadkill and use the hide, making baskets, learning about medicinal plants, etc ad nauseum), so that then I appear “lazy” which of course confirms my super-egos pedantic horsemanure message that if I don’t have a boss or job to tell me what to do, that I’m incapable of motivating myself to do anything of value.

I really want to eradicate this lie (that my self-worth is reliant on my having a job that makes money) from my psyche, and I wish I knew an easier way of killing it off.